Today is Self Love Day. And, boy has it been a long road for me to come to know Self Love for myself.
Back in 2007, my radio show was new. I followed guidance to create the show and felt like I had no idea why.
I invited a woman to be on my show and it seemed like no matter what we did, it just was not destined to be. At the time, I had an actual producer who worked the recording of my show. He had no idea why the show did not record. There was literally no reason for an technical malfunction.
To me, it seemed that working to accommodate this woman’s schedule was a lot of effort. It felt hard. It felt forced. Yet there I was trying to do it. The first show didn’t record, but I plunged ahead.
The day we planned to pre-record the show, I juggled many responsibilities. My mother-in-law needed a ride to the hospital and I was the only one available that day. I figured if I could drive just a little faster and still get her to the hospital and get back for the show, despite not having one second to be delayed.
What happened that morning would change my life. It was the day I decided I had had enough.
That morning, I packed Chance and my mother-in-law into the car. I planned to speed. I planned to push the limits of my time that morning. I did not ask for help. I thought I can do this.
But something didn’t feel right that morning, and it set me on edge. I have sped before, but this tension had my intuition on high alert. I pushed the Tahoe to go faster as my heart pounded underneath. I began to think about jeopardizing our safety. Pound…pound…pound my heart thumped.
We made it to my brother-in-law’s house. He said he would come home and stay with my mother-in-law at the hospital. I dropped her off and peeled out of the driveway. I had exactly enough time to get home.
Meanwhile my heart is pounding out of my chest. Something was not right, but what? I didn’t ask to find out, I just soldiered on to meet the responsibilities of the day.
I knew I was going to be two minutes late when I entered our neighborhood. I dialed my producer to let him know and that is when I found out what I was picking up on. I had bumbled the pre-record time. We were not supposed to record at the top of the hour like my regular show, we were supposed to start at a quarter til the hour! My intuition had been firing on all cylinders, but my mind was on a charted course already.
A flood of emotions invaded my body. First, I felt bad for messing up the time. This woman who seemingly had no time for this show and whose schedule was inconceivably difficult to accommodate had shown up and I was not there. If I have never been anything else, I have usually been responsible. I felt so guilty for leaving her and my producer hanging. Then I felt regret. Regret for putting Chance and my mother-in-law in harm’s way. That day, I did not even consider my own safety. I felt angry at myself for running around like a chicken with my head cut off to try to figure out some way to FORCE this interview that never did happen.
The truth of the situation was that the producer was fine. He was there anyway producing another show. No big deal.
The truth is that Chance and I did arrive home just fine, despite my own recklessness.
The truth is that the interview was never supposed to be. There were many, many signs to indicate this, but I just was not listening.
When I composed myself, I called the woman to apologize. I was ready to fall on my sword without one word of an excuse. I flubbed the time. That was that.
When I called, I was surprised at what I heard on the other end of the line. She said, “I have a message for you from your angels. Would you like to hear it?”
I said, “Yes, I would.”
She said, “They want me to tell you that you need to love yourself. You don’t love yourself enough.”
At that moment, every bit of anxiety, guilt, anger, irritation at myself bubbled up and I literally wanted to reach through the phone and strangle this divine messenger.
She continued, “I have been learning to love myself and now I am at 51%.” She babbled on and on about herself and all I could think is how much I hated this moment. I thought about how her schedule was all-consuming in trying to connect and how I had bended, given and given to try to accommodate her. I felt enraged as she babbled on about her own journey without even considering what it had taken to schedule the first show, then schedule another one – all around her time. Love herself, yes, she was definitely doing that and not inconveniencing herself or her schedule.
“Pay her for your gift,” interrupted my loathing and contempt. The voice was firm and loving and I recognized my own spirit guide.
‘Fine. I will, but I am done with this pretzel making routine,’ I said in my thoughts as she continued to pat herself on the back.
I sent her $100 for her message to me that day. She was astonished at the amount for the less than 10 minute conversation. To me, that felt an appropriate amount.
I had wanted to scream back, “I DO LOVE MYSELF!!!” My ego was ENRAGED at the gall of this intrusion into its idea of itself.
Then I considered the truth of the divine message. What does it mean to love myself? I had not been loving to myself when I drove like a maniac an hour and a half to try to get back on time. I did not love myself when I ignored every cell in my body that said, ‘Just cancel this, it’s not worth it.’ I did not love myself when I put my most valuable possessions, including my precious child, in harm’s way through recklessness. I flat out just didn’t love myself. I saw the truth that day…and like many other instances of truthtelling I’ve experienced, it wasn’t pretty.
The angels were right. And, regardless of the messenger, the message was received.
That was the beginning of starting to learn what self love is all about to me.
And, though I read this now and it may not sound funny, if you could hear me tell this story, you would be rolling on the floor laughing like a client was a couple of years ago when I shared this same message…It’s time to love yourself. And, I shared with her how I wanted to throttle the messenger who brought me the message! And how I was SURE I DID LOVE MYSELF, thank you very much!!!
Love isn’t easy though it should be. Once you unravel all that isn’t love, self love gets a whole lot easier.
Here’s to all of us on Self Love day!